It just doesn't stop

One would think that, by the time you're 23, you should have learnt most of the things you need for a mature, responsible life, but I've come to the conclusion that wasn't my case.
You see, I've always had a back-up plan for everything... and I do mean everything: from life-changing choices to what I want to have in the fridge to relationships... and this time, unbelievably, I didn't have one... I didn't think I'd need one 'cause I thought it was going to last for good... you know, "he's the one", "happily ever after" and all hat love story mambojambo.... So here I am, in a completely different situation from all the ones I'd had so far.
It's part, I've been told, of growing up. I have, for once, to be on my own for a while... and a while means more than a couple of months... I have to get to know me, cause, like water, I normally tend to blend in with the person I have next to me. Have you seen "Runaway bride"? That movie in which Julia Roberts never gets maried 'cause she gets cold feet every time she's in her wedding dress and Richard Gere does this story on her for a neswpaper? Well, His character asks every one of the grooms she's had -and dumped- how they think she likes her eggs... and all say, for example "scrambled, just like me" or "fried, just like me". And you guessed... I pretty much do the same. I've always tried to become what I'm expected to be instead of being who I really am. That's why some ex-boyfriends or partners have said "You're perfect for me", 'cause I made myself a replica of what I see they want in a partner...
So, I guess this time out was heaven sent. I have to know me in order, first of all, to really know me and acknowledge my needs and flaws... and then, I have to know me so that I can show myself to the world and welcome that person I now is out there somewhere. A person I can be me with... a person like no other... and start everything all over again...

I love two people in the world... three, actually... more than I can describe... those three people know me pretty damn well... two of them have supported me in being me these past few weeks... they've been there to dry my tears -which have been quite a lot-, they've been there to tell me how much they love me for what I am. The other one led me to this spot in which I'm able to see things a bit clearer and I'm thankful for that chance, though I feel terrible for all the things I put him through. I'm sorry, darling... I truly didn't mean to. But thank you for putting me in the track of self-discovery.

Love and kisses to all of you who care enough to read this...

Peace out!!

Un mensaje para un newly-made friend...

Gracias por llamar... gracias por preocuparte... Sé que suena raro, pero escucharte significó muchísimo para mí... Con lo baja que siempre está mi autoestima es bueno saber que te acuerdas de mí por mí y no por ser la novia de otra persona... gracias por haber visto más allá de eso...
Ni siquiera sé si vas a leer esto, pero de verdad agradezco el llamado y, sobretodo, el gesto... A ver si nos juntamos luego a filosofar con un vinito, unos quesitos y puchos... A salvar el mundo en alas de la información verídica y bien entregada!!
Muchos besos y, de nuevo, gracias...

Is this a possibility??

Do you think this could happen to us? I mean, what this song says? If that's the way thing are going, I truly hope so...

Cool

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life...
Passes things get more comfortable
Everything is going right
And after all the obstacles
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still goodfriends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain
Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles, and now we're hangin' out with your newgirlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool

Espera...!!!

No te alejes así... al menos deja señas... menciona mi nombre, pretende para yo poder seguir... Dame algo, una pista... Me tienes en ascuas, sabes?
Hablo contigo sin hablar en serio... no quiero que, por forzar una conversación, se cierren las puertas para estas no-conversas... pero tu partida es inminente y no sé a qué atenerme... Si sólo supiera que sabes.... -if the thought I thought you thought were the thought I thought you thought, como dice el trabalenguas...
Despídete, cierra, abre... si te vas y dejas entreabierto, me dejas a mí encerrada en este corazón y esta cabeza que de verdad no quiere ver como te vas sin decir nada... una lágrima, sí... más de una lágrima asoma... Haz patente mi presencia, elimínala... Una luz has sido en esta once-very-dark vida mía, y ahora necesita esa chispa para reiniciar esta fogata, mi propia fogata... el fuego de mi vida... para ver el camino que recorro.
El mito de la caverna... lo bueno, lo bello, lo verdadero.... sólo sombras en este momento... he de acsender y, para eso, necesito piso, escalera, materiales para subir... tú tienes las herramientas, yo el material... préstame un martillo, una hoz.... una soga, clavos... subir lo haré sola... la decisión ya está tomada (creo). Sólo necesito una certeza y emprendo mi camino...

An honest kiss goodbye...

ME CARGA!!!!

¿Por qué, sí sé que sabes cómo me siento, no me dejo decírtelo?
¿Por qué sigo evitando lo que siento?
¿Por qué me cuesta tanto pedirte una cita, un momento...?
¿Por qué me duele tanto hablar contigo como si nada pasara, y soy capaz de no demostrarlo?
¿Por qué cresta no me resulta sólo cerrar el libro y empezar a rondar por ahí?
¿Por qué no me puede resultar eso de cerrar el ciclo, "aprende del porrazo, limpiate las rodillas y sigue" como decía mi "mami"?
¿Por qué soy tan insegura? ¿Por qué necesito que me digas a cada rato que sientes algo por mí?
¿O que me digas de plano que no sientes nada?
¿Qué hago con las ofertas, las oportunidades pedidas, los regalos, las caricias recibidas y brindadas?
¿Cuándo tendré certezas y no sólo una masa turbia y amorfa en frente?

¿Cómo se comienza de nuevo? ¿Cómo se responde a las propuestas con un corazón confuso y algo perdido? ¿Cuánto aguanta mi mente, mi cuerpo? ¿Hasta dónde se soporta tu ausencia? ¿Cómo se frenan las ganas de llenarla? ¿Cómo se sopesan las opciones, los planes futuros? ¿Estabilidad, seguridad, flotabilidad, levedad, amor, cariño, costumbre, segundas chances, terceras chances, anillos, fiestas, hijo, familia posible, familia presente, futuros hijos? ¿Cómo brindar estabilidad a un niño que pregunta por quién no está y exige a quienes estamos?

¡¡¡¡¡¡ME CARGAN LAS DUDAS!!!!!! ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ME CARGA NO SABER QUÉ HACER!!!!!!!!!
¡¡¡¡¡¡ ME CARGA NO PODER PREGUNTARTE!!!!!! ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡ME CARGA NO CONTAR CONTIGO!!!!!!

Para que vean las verdades del Horóscopo Chino...

Nacida en el año del perro -como este año 2006- se supone que la siguiente descripción se me aplica... y leyéndola bien, lo hace... sólo revisen y comparen!

In the West, the Dog is man's best friend, but in Chinese Astrology this Sign is
a little more unpredictable than that. Dogs are loyal, faithful and honest and
always stick to their firm codes of ethics. However, this Sign has trouble
trusting others. It's generally quite trustworthy itself -- except for the
occasional "little white lies" the Dog tells in order to make things go more
smoothly. The Dog makes a wonderful, discreet and loyal friend (despite any
white lies) and is an excellent listener. This Sign tends to root for the
underdog and its keen sense of right and wrong makes it duty-bound to the core.
The Dog's mantra seems to be, Live right, look out for the little people and
fight injustice whenever possible.
Dogs can also be rather dogmatic, too.
They don't go in for light social banter; instead, they go straight for home,
expostulating on the topics that are most important to them. At these times the
Dog's narrow-minded or stubborn side can become apparent; this Sign has trouble
staying light and calm when an important issue is at stake. This Sign can also
be very temperamental; mood swings characterize its emotional life and often the
Dog needs to run off to be alone in order to recuperate. Part of the problem is
the result of this Sign's load of irrational fears that turn into niggling
anxieties that turn into hurt feelings and occasional grouchiness. This
sensitive Sign needs to warm up to others over time and gradually learn to trust
them. Without that trust as a foundation, Dogs can be judgmental and coarse.
The Dog's discerning nature does make it an excellent business person, one
who can turn that picky, guarded nature into a keen sense of the truth of
another's motives. Where love is concerned, Dogs often have a tough time finding
the right match. They can be so anxious and overwrought in the romance dance
that they'll stress their partner to the max! In any forum, this Sign is
happiest when able to be quite physically active; at home or at work, the Dog
will always be constructing something new or cleaning something up in order to
make things better. Dogs need to work on controlling their irrational worries
and would also be well-served to relax their mile-high standards, which can
sometimes wind up alienating the ones they love.
The most compatible match
for a Dog is the Tiger or
the Horse.

Y ahora súmenle la descripción del elemento bajo el que nací -para los que no se acuerden 17/09/1982- y saquen sus conclusiones...

Those of you born under the influence of the Chinese Astrology Element of Water
act with the assured fluidity of a river, affecting your environment with your
strength and quiet charm. Creative and captivating, diplomatic and intuitive,
Water individuals are the masters of subtle persuasion. Without even appearing
to try, you can gain someone's trust and affection, and once you've got them
they'll follow you anywhere. You make everyone feel special, noting and praising
each person's unique talents.
Your inherent pliability, the fluid calm that
makes you so appealing, can also make you sometimes too passive, too willing to
be what someone wants you to be. You tend to take the shape of whatever
container you're poured into.Rather than letting others dam up your energies,
let yourself flow freely!

Y este es el tuyo...

Tú horóscopo chino dice que eres un suave conejito... a ver si calza...


Timid and attractive, the Rabbits of the Chinese Zodiac tend to act more like bunnies, whether they like it or not! This Sign is extremely popular and has a wide circle of family and friends. Its compassionate nature leads it to be very protective of those it holds dear, but where romance is concerned, the Rabbit's sentimentality can lead it to idealize relationships. The sweet, sensitive Rabbit often ends up giving more of itself to a partner than is realistic or healthy. The good news is, when this Sign goes off-balance, the Rabbit's core group of friends and its stable home life help bring it back to center.
The Rabbit is a rather delicate Sign that needs a solid base in order to thrive. Lacking close, supportive friends and family, the Rabbit might just break down in tears at the first sign of conflict. Emotional upsets in this Sign's life can even lead to physical illnesses. Rabbits dislike arguments and other conflict and will try anything to avoid a fight; this results in something of a pushover nature. Rabbits can also lapse into pessimism and may seem stuck in life -- often to mask their insecure natures. Rabbits tend to move through life's lessons at their own, rather contemplative pace; it's a waste of time to become exasperated with this Sign's seeming disinterest in facing its problems and conquering them.
With the right partner -- meaning someone whose high principles won't allow it to take advantage of this sensitive, giving Sign -- the Rabbit can make an incredibly loving and protective partner or family member. Rabbits love to entertain at home and always make sure their house is comfortable and tastefully-furnished. What Rabbits need most is a stronger sense of self-worth and the security that comes with it. Their discerning natures, coupled with some hard-won assertiveness, will help these happy creatures go far.
The most compatible match for a Rabbit is the Goat or the Pig.

Las pequeñas grandes cosas que tapa la inseguridad...

Un texto enviado en una psuedo cadena de esas que prometen el oro y el moro trajo, en vez de la mentada riqueza, sabores agridulces a mi cabeza... Soy y siempre he sido una persona muy insegura de todo, de lo que sienten por mí sobretodo... hay quienes dicen que eso me hace normal, sólo una persona más en este mundo desconfiado... Hay otros que dicen que me hace una mala persona, incapaz de entregarse completamente... Ambos, creo, tienen razón... Y así soy... y de verdad no quiero ser más así... me pregunto qué se necesita para hacer ese cambio... "Seré yo, maestro?"

Y el texto...

Una novia le dice a su novio...¿Me queres?
Y él contesto que no.
¿Pensas que soy linda?
Y él contesto que no.
¿Me tenes en tu corazón?
Y él contesto que no.
¿Si me fuera llorarías por mí?
Y también contesto que no.
Ella triste se dio media vuelta para irse y él la agarro del brazo y le dijo:
No te quiero, te amo.
No pienso que seas linda, pienso que sos hermosa.
No estas en mi corazón, sos mi corazón.
No lloraría por vos, moriría por vos....

You said almost the same so many times and I didn't listen... I wish I truly had... Te amo muchísimo...

Yet, another song I can relate to...

This one is from Lisa Loeb... and I think is just great to have a woman singing about exactly this matter in this precise moment... just imagine I have her as background music right now...

Enjoy!!

Stay (Lisa Loeb)

You say I only hear what i want to
You say I talk so all the time so
And I thought what I felt was simple,
and I thought that I don't belong,
and now that I am leaving,
now I know that I did something wrong 'cause I missed you
Yeah, I missed you.

And you say I only hear what i want to: I don't listen hard,
I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running or to anyone, anywhere
I don't understand if you really care,
I'm only hearing negative: no, no, no.

So I turned the radio on, I turned the radio up,
and this woman was singing my song: the lover's in love, and the other's run away,
the lover is crying 'cause the other won't stay.

Some of us hover when we weep for the other who was dying since the day they were born.
Well, this is not that: I think that I'm throwing, but I'm thrown.

And i thought I'd live forever, but now I'm not so sure.
You try to tell me that I'm clever,but that won't take me anyhow, or anywhere with you.
You said that I was naive, and I thought that I was strong.
I thought, "hey, I can leave, I can leave."
But now I know that I was wrong, 'cause I missed you.
You said, "I caught you 'cause I want you and one day I'll let you go."
"You try to give away a keeper, or keep me 'cause you know you're just scared to lose.

And you say, "stay."
You say i only hear what I want to.

Another reason to miss you...

I'm stealing this poem from my best friend's blog.. I just love it, and had forgotten about it... I agree with it completely... and miss it with you....

"No nos da risa el amor cuando llega a lo màs hondo de su viaje, a lo màs alto de vuelo: en lo màs hondo, en lo màs alto, nos arranca gemidos y quejidos, voces de dolor, aunque sea jubiloso dolor, lo que pensando bien no tiene nada de raro, por que nacer es una alegrìa que duele. Pequeña muerte llaman en Francia a la culminaciòn del abrazo que rompiendonos nos junta y perdiendonos nos encuentra y acabàndonos nos empieza. Pequeña muerte; pero grande, muy grande ha de ser, si matandonos nos nace."


Eduardo Galeano

And I can't but wonder...

Does anybody care about other people's thoughts and feelings? Does anybody even notice how important they are for their loved ones? I have to say it straight... I write to be read, not for me, but for others... I need to express what I feel, what I think... and I notice that sometimes people just see my words and say nothing... Do I move nothing in them? Should I just stop writing? Should I change the reason why I write?
Maybe I'll just change directions....

Has it happened to you...?

... that you hear a song that says exactly what you feel and, actually, says it the way you feel it? It's just happened to me, you know? And I wanted to share it with you... so that you know this is exactly how I feel right now... about you...

Right here waiting...... (Richard Marx)

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you I'll take the chance
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you


I know it sounds a bit too much, right? But feelings can be like that... or there wouldn't be songs like this one...